3 Ways It's Healthy for Parents to Argue in Front of the Children

Argue in front of the children arguments Perry Mansfield conflict resolution parents who fight sign of reconciliation destructive behavior passive-aggressive silent treatments domestic violence anger limit pause the argument parents argument

By Lili Scott , Parent Herald Feb 01, 04:49 am

Photo: (Photo : CLAUDIO CRUZ/AFP via Getty Images)

Arguments happen in every relationship, and some parents could even argue in front of the children despite trying not to disagree with each other openly. These days, many parents are on edge and could quickly lose their patience as they deal with a lot of the stress brought on by the pandemic.

But relationship expert Perry Mansfield said that arguments are forms of communication and a path to conflict resolution. Parents who have disagreements in front of their children aren't always making the mistake of exposing their kids to hurt or emotional damage if they do it the right way.

Here are some ways it's healthy for parents to argue in front of their children:

1. When parents show the kids the resolution after the argument.

Often, the children might only catch their parents in a middle of a heated disagreement, but they don't see how their mom and dad resolved the situation. Mansfield said kids should also witness how their parents make up after a fight to teach them how to handle arguments.

Smaller children might need to see their parents hugging as a sign of reconciliation. A study in the journal APA PsychNet, involving 800 families, links sadness and worries in kids if they see more negative than positive exchanges between their parents. However, displays of support, warmness, and love will often alleviate their fears after witnessing their parents' fight.

2. When fights are civil and do not involve name-calling or violence.

Intense and destructive behavior or words are just as harmful as passive-aggressive silent treatments. These types of quarrels do impact and upset the kids and their emotional psyche as they become acutely aware of the dynamics of domestic violence. A study in the journal Child Abuse & Neglect cites that the children form perceptions about their parents that develop into a complex relationship based on the behaviors they've witnessed during the arguments.

Thus, if parents argue in front of their children, they should be keenly aware of the language they use, the tone of their voice, and their non-verbal cues. They need to choose the right words, not only for the sake of the kids picking up on the vibe but also to assure their spouses that they are not on attack mode.

Mansfield said it might help to use words like "I feel" and "I think" so the other spouse won't feel threatened, and the argument could remain civil. Other parenting experts also suggested setting an anger limit, where parents could pause the argument if they recognize that it's verging on a temper flare-up.

4. When parents do not force the kids to take sides.

Children will feel trapped and conflicted if their parents make them choose sides. Some kids will also think that their parents' argument is their fault, especially if they try to stop one parent from attacking the other.

The kids should never serve as the referees of their parents. Thus, some moms or dads prefer to argue behind closed doors to avoid putting more pressure on their children when the situation is already tense enough. On the other hand, other couples pick the right moment to argue, such as when they both have clearer heads and are not fired up in the heat of the moment.