How to Know if You Married Someone With a Personality Disorder

When the marriage is in chaos and every year seems to bring more drama, tension, frustration, and hostility, when efforts made to improve the situation seem temporary and shallow, and when it looks like the problem is more than poor communication skills, it might just be that either the husband or the wife has a personality disorder (PD).

What is a personality disorder (PD)? The Cleveland Clinic described it as a mental health condition consisting of "disruptive patterns of thinking, behavior, mood and relating to others," which can be a long-lasting, all-embracing condition. These disruptive patterns result in significant distress and/or disability to function in an individual.

It is possible that the disorder already existed during the dating period and only became apparent in marriage.

There are different types of personality disorders - paranoid, narcissistic, schizoid, antisocial, schizotypal, antisocial, dependent, borderline, avoidant, and obsessive-compulsive. Each has its own share of ego-centred behaviours and issues on inflexibility, distortion, and impulse control, present in different environments and, usually, since adolescence.

10 signs that you married someone with a personality disorder

How would a spouse know if they are married to someone with a personality disorder? Your Tango gave out a list of "big signs" to look for.

1. The spouse feels like they are losing their mind.

Most often, the spouse can't make sense of what is happening in the marriage and cannot communicate it effectively with their partner with a disorder. The latter has convinced them that they are at fault for all the problems and failures the marriage is experiencing. This would then make them anxious, distressed, discouraged, and depressed.

2. The partner with PD is usually "two-faced."

They have versions of themselves when with friends, in other communities, and at home because personality disorders have a "distinctive flare for different people." If an individual with a disorder wants to impress someone, they will be "amazingly on," yet once at home where there is comfort and it is okay to be one's self, the mask is automatically removed and becomes the contrary.

3. The spouse feels like they are walking on eggshells.

It will come to a point where the spouse begins to enjoy moments when the partner with PD isn't around or at home because they feel a sense of peace, an atmosphere with no tension, less stressful, and surprisingly lighter. 

4. The partner with PD is resistant to change.

They will always talk about change, yet they will stress that the spouse needs to change to adjust to them. Moreover, they will not want the spouse to be psychologically healthy, as this can be a reason for them to leave. Thus, the partner with PD tends to mold the spouse to become more subordinate so that they can have influence and control.

5. Couples therapy isn't working.

Traditional couples therapy or seminars will have little to no lasting effect on the partner with PD. They have excellent abilities in weaving their wants and desires as they persecute their spouses. A flicker of hope, though, individual therapy for both can work quite effectively, with both parties sincerely wanting to make the marriage work. Individual therapy confronts personality issues and creates new boundaries.

Read Also: Personality Disorders: How Do Children Become Narcissistic?

6. The spouse has this continual feeling that they are being lied to by the partner with PD.

People with personality disorder have a "pattern of futile exaggerations, avoidance of sensitive subjects, and omission of key information." This may not be evident at the start, yet it grows strongly obvious over time. Interestingly, the partner with PD projects these behaviors onto the spouse so that the negative attention will be diverted away from them.

7. The partner with PD will distort reality and constantly twist the truth.

The partner with PD can show abusive and manipulative behavior to get the spouse's compliance. These behaviors often include verbal assaults, gaslighting, isolating from friends and family, intimidation, withholding of money, sexual coercion and dichotomous thinking.

8. The partner with PD refuses to accept responsibility.

People with personality disorders have no real sense of accountability or acceptance of responsibility. The fault will always be pointed to the spouse or someone else trying to stress out an issue.

9. The amount of stress building at home is entirely unnecessary.

And yet, the partner with PD thrives in this kind of environment. When they feel like nothing is happening or there is little chaos, they create something out of nothing just so they can complain about it, and the attention shifts to them. Peace will always be temporary when people with personality disorders are around.

10. It's all about them.

It is always about what they feel and how they feel, what they think, and why they do what they do. The only time the spotlight is on the spouse is when they are accused, persecuted, or blamed. They are always right, resulting in a superior attitude that makes genuine intimacy impossible.

If these big signs are seen in a partner, then it isn't a marriage but an "an inequitable partnership," Your Tango concluded.

Related Article: Tips for Dealing with Teenagers with Borderline Personality Disorder