How to Stop Arguing and Negotiating With Children and Become a Calmer Parent

One would have to question if yelling, negotiating, and arguing with a child is the norm worldwide. If not, how do other parents manage to be calmer parents sans the tension and power struggles? Some families from hunting-gathering villages are highlighted as an example of calmer parenting.

Calmer Parents Rarely Need to Tell Their Kids What to Do

Anthropologist Sheina Lew-Levy conducted a study with BaYaka hunter-gatherers in Central Africa. She observed adults rarely needed to tell their children what to do, which is only about three verbal commands per hour, Time shared. The anthropologist noted such parents interfered minimally, have confidence in the children, and restrained themselves from constant meddling.

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Michaeleen Doucleff, the author of "Hunt Gather Parent: What Ancient Cultures Can Teach Us About the Lost Art of Raising Happy, Helpful Little Humans," observed a similar kind of calmer parenting Inuit families in a Maya village in the Yucatan Peninsula above the Arctic circle. She saw a parenting style without yelling, bickering, little if at all any resistance-and it was effective.

Calmer Parents Do Not Argue with Children

Inuit parents never yelled, nagged, or negotiated with their children, noted Doucleff. 74-year-old Sidonie Nirlungayuk explained, "When a child mistreats you, do not fight back with the young one."

These parents consider arguing with a child a silly waste of time. Arguing with a child is like stooping the child's level, and the child receives a lot of attention due to misbehavior.

"Arguments occur if you let it," Empowering Parents noted. Do not argue with a child. To avoid arguments, consider:

• Giving them an option, both choices of which are agreeable to your conditions but still, the child thinks he has made a choice
• Do not ask "Can you do this," or "Do you want to do this," when it comes to chores. Be objective and tell them what you need them to do, what you need help with
• Set and agree on negative consequences for misbehavior ahead of time
• Asking for permission prevents many arguments

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Observing the hunter-gatherer families, Doucleff further learned what she now dubs as TEAM parenting: Togetherness, Encouragement, Autonomy, and Minimal Interference all minimized conflict and encouraged cooperation.

These parents tap into a child's innate instinct to work in collaboration with the people they love. Inuit parents include their children in adult activities, from chores and work to social outings, and request help from children. The result is genuine contributions from children.

"As soon as a child can walk, they can help," noted one Inuit mother. At first, toddlers are given simple tasks like fetching herbs, and as the child grows, they can do more complicated tasks like preparing a dish and cleaning up afterward.

Children of Calmer Parents Help without being Asked

Psychologist Suzanne Gaskins observed families in a small Maya village near Yucatan as well. She saw children as young as seven years old being proud of the fact that they can wash their clothes, and perhaps even a younger sibling's clothes when she turns 9. They take pride in being able to help around the house. In essence, they understand they are part of a team, that is, the family.

Gaskins noted that the child made considerable contributions to the household and helped around the house without being told, NPR said. Moreover, helping out is their idea. There were no allowances, gold stars, or any rewards tied to the chores. Here are tips for replicating this in your own home:

• Allow children to observe and help around at an early age.
• Give them tasks appropriate with their skill level to avoid frustrations.
• Start with mock projects before actual chores. This includes learning to sweep the floor and fold clothes.
• Work together, rather than independently. Make working on household chores a social activity.
• Encourage rather than force help.

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