To the Mom Who Lost Her Child, 'It's Not Your Fault,' Breaking the Silence Surrounding Child Loss

child loss Mother's Grief on Child Loss Breaking the Stigma on Child Loss A Mother's Story of Loss Ashley Patek

By Jo Anne Hubert , Parent Herald Oct 29, 11:48 am

She delivered a baby that she would not be able to carry home. Her howls were heard down the hospital hall, not from the pain of labor or child delivery, but a raw roar of anguish from a mother who had lost her child.

Harlow came into the world "quietly, beautiful, and still," according to her mother, Ashley Patek.

In an article she wrote for the blog Raised Good, she narrates how she lost her baby girl, how painful it was, how she grieved, and how, surprisingly, she survived.

This month is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, and Patek, now a certified parent coach, an Empathic Witnessing practitioner, and a mother who takes a holistic approach to parenting, focusing on the whole-parent, whole-child, and whole-family system, wanted to share her story of loss, grief, and triumph to co- parents because according to her, the worst feeling in the world is to feel alone.

That is exactly how she felt for so long, but not anymore. Now, she is ready to fight and break the persisting stigma and silence surrounding child loss with other parents who went through the same experience as her.

Her story of loss

At 28 weeks, Patek's body went into labor for 16 long hours. She panicked, asking people if what she was going through was normal.

She was told she was just experiencing Braxton Hicks, and everything was normal. So, she continued working her shift in the hospital, and at the end of the day, she drove home and curled over herself and the steering wheel.

She honestly had no idea about the intensity between labor and Braxton Hicks contractions and labor. However, her mama instinct was screaming that something was not right.

She kept on insisting that something was not well for weeks, and yet people were consistently telling her that all was well, everything was normal, and that she might just be experiencing first-time mom jitters.

But a mother knows. She knows.

She knows her body more than anyone else. She knows her baby's patterns, rhythm, and energy since day 1.

By the time she was back in the hospital, it wasn't for work, but it was because she was now the patient. During this time, she could not walk-her legs could not carry her and her baby any longer.

Her husband took her to the hospital, where strangers gathered to carry her "fallen body" inside. She was whisked away to a room where a doctor told her that her baby was coming and they needed to find a heartbeat.

It was the longest minute of her life. Before she knew it, a team of doctors and nurses, who could not seem to look at her directly, surrounded her, and she knew exactly why. She has sensed it. She had lost the baby inside of her.

But she cannot grieve, for she still has to fight for her life. Doctors told her husband that she was losing too much blood and they were losing her.

She could have just let go. What's the point of living when she has lost her baby girl? But then she saw her husband and vividly saw the pain in his eyes. She realized it would not be fair for her husband to be left all alone, breaking and mourning for a wife and a daughter he lost at the same time. Somehow, her husband sparked her fight.

She suddenly felt a "rebirth" of herself, a coming out into a different woman, now both flawed yet still beautiful, "tormented and transcending."

Her life after the loss

She stepped out of the hospital and into life the way someone would step out into a world without light, and she wondered if she would ever again see it.

There were days when she found that brushing her teeth was a definite win, and there were days she would surprisingly make it out the door. She allowed herself both types of moments, as many as she needed.

She took the time to heal, and any parent should.

"There is no expiration tag on grief, nor a mama's love for her children, and I was no less a mother for having lost my child than I was if she were still here," Patek bravely emphasized.

One day, she witnessed herself reclaiming tiny pieces of who she was. She found purpose. She started donating her breast milk, and it made her feel that she is nourishing. She connected with other mothers who were grieving and trying to heal from the loss of a child. She joined a local "share group." She made a journal and started telling her husband what she needed, and it saved her crumbling marriage. She started saying Harlow's name aloud and encouraged others, reminding them and herself that their kids may be gone, but they existed.

Most of all, she learned to forgive herself. Finally, one day, she accepted and believed that it wasn't her fault. And, to all parents who got broken because of child loss, Patek stressed that "it is not your fault."

She stopped blaming her body, telling herself repeatedly that she produces life and that mothers are "creators and portals." Mothers do not take away life.

Ultimately, a day arrived when she saw the light again. And, she is telling, promising other mamas that there will be light again in their own time. She would never tell a fellow mother how long to grieve because it is a unique process for everyone. However, she would want to tell them this - they are never alone.

Her prayer for all the parents who lost a child is to move forward along with the "tiny footprints on our hearts."