Toy Tantrums: Dealing with 'I Don’t Want to Share!' Moments

By TS Lustgarten , Parent Herald Oct 17, 11:40 am

Photo: (Photo : Ashton Bingham on Unsplash)

As parents, caregivers, or educators, we've all been there. Two children playing peacefully until a coveted toy catches both their eyes. Suddenly, the atmosphere shifts, and one child declares, "I don't want to share!"
The dreaded toy tantrum ensues. How do you navigate these challenging moments, ensuring lessons are learned while peace is restored? Let's delve into understanding and managing 'I don't want to share' moments.

Before diving into strategies, it's crucial to grasp why children might be reluctant to share:

Developmental Stage: Children, especially toddlers, are at a developmental stage where they see the world from a self-centered perspective. It's not selfishness in the negative sense but a genuine inability to fully comprehend another's viewpoint.
Attachment to Items: For children, toys aren't just objects. They can be sources of comfort, familiarity, and even identity. Sharing, to them, can feel like giving away a part of themselves.
Fear of Losing Control: Children have limited control over their environment. Sometimes, holding onto a toy is a way to assert control over a small aspect of their world.

Strategies to Handle Toy Tantrums

Prevention is Key: Sometimes, the easiest way to deal with a toy tantrum is to prevent it from happening in the first place. When setting up a playdate or group play scenario, discuss sharing with your child beforehand. Explain that friends might want to play with their toys, but they'll always get them back.
Use a Timer: Introduce a timer or an hourglass during playtime. This provides a visual cue for children, indicating that they have a specific amount of time with a toy before it's someone else's turn. It also adds an element of fairness to the process.
Encourage Communication: Teach children to use their words. Instead of snatching toys or shouting, help them articulate feelings: "I was playing with that, can I have it back when you're done?"
Distract and Redirect: Often, a child's fixation on a particular toy can be eased by introducing a new activity or toy. While this doesn't directly teach sharing, it can diffuse a situation quickly, allowing for a teaching moment later on.
Praise Generous Behavior: When your child shares or handles a situation maturely, be sure to praise them. Positive reinforcement can be more effective than negative consequences.
Model Sharing Behavior: Children often imitate adults. Demonstrate sharing in your daily activities and make a note of it. "Look, I'm sharing my book with daddy. Sharing makes him happy!"
Teach Empathy: Use stories or real-life examples to help your child understand how their friend might feel when they don't share. "Remember when Johnny didn't let you play with his toy train? It made you sad. That's how Sarah feels now."

When Sharing Doesn't Work

There are instances when it might be best not to force sharing:

Special Toys: Every child has that one cherished toy. It's okay to set boundaries and let certain toys be "off-limits" for sharing during playdates.
New Toys: If a toy is new, a child might be more possessive of it initially. Giving them some time to bond with it before sharing can be helpful.
Group Settings: In group settings like daycares or preschools, communal toys can be introduced, teaching children that these specific toys are for everyone.

In conclusion, while 'I don't want to share' moments can be testing, they're an essential part of a child's development. Through understanding, patience, and the right strategies, parents and caregivers can turn these instances into valuable lessons on empathy, communication, and generosity.