The Most Important Qualities the Real World Will Demand from Our Children

Parenting is a tough gig, maybe tougher now than ever.  In the "good old days," parenting with a strong hand -- with a strong emphasis on compliance with authority figures -- was the convention. That approach was pretty straightforward, didn't require much reflection, and was justified by the belief that compliance with authority was good preparation for The Real World.

Though there are many who still parent that way, things started changing when it became apparent to many that the good old days weren't quite as wonderful as advertised. Father doesn't always know best.  "Might" and "right" aren't synonyms. Blind adherence to authority is over-rated. There's more to raising kids - and preparing them for The Real World -- than carrots and sticks. Allowing kids to think for themselves and have a voice in their own affairs is actually be good preparation for The Real World.

Parenting requires more reflection and nuance than is offered by a strong hand. But that's left many parents a little confused about how to proceed. They're mired in that muddy territory that lies between permissiveness and authoritarianism. They want their kid to be independent, but not if he's going to make bad choices. They don't want to be harsh and rigid, but not if the result is a noncompliant, disrespectful kid. They want to avoid being too pushy and overbearing, but not if an unmotivated, apathetic kid is what they have to show for it. They want to have a good relationship with their kid, but not if that means being a pushover. They don't want to scream, but they do want to be heard. It's all about balance, but the balance sometimes seems so precarious, so difficult to achieve. 

Fortunately, it's not mud that lies between the Dictatorial Kingdom and the Pushover Provinces. It's a partnership, and one in which collaboration, rather than power, is the key ingredient. A partnership that will help you and your kid work together as allies- as teammates-rather than as adversaries. A partnership that will help you forge a relationship that works for both of you, that gives you both room to grow, that provides your child with the solid foundation he needs to someday spread his wings and fly. 

Creating a collaborative partnership with a child is unfamiliar territory for many parents, and we adults often aren't very enthusiastic about treading into unfamiliar territory. So it would probably help to think about what The Real World - employment, a relationship with a significant others, and so forth -- is actually going to demand from your child. Tony Wagner -- author of the books Creating Innovators: The Making of Young People Who Will Change the World and The Global Achievement Gap: Why Even Our Best Schools Don't Teach the New Survival Skills Our Children Need - suggests that what employers are increasingly seeking are people who know how to collaborate, communicate, and solve problems, not blind adherence to authority. And relationships with others involve a whole lot more of the exact same skills, not dictating and power plays. If you're really interested in preparing your kid for what lies ahead, you'll need to provide lots of opportunities for practice in the way you parent.

But there's another reason to parent collaboratively: power and authority don't teach kids skills on the more positive side of human nature.  Skills like empathy, appreciating how one's behavior is affecting others, resolving disagreements in ways that do not involve conflict, taking another's perspective, and honesty. Are the ways in which we're parenting and disciplining our kids teaching those skills?
    
If not, how is it done?  How does one go about parenting collaboratively?  How can parents exert influence - ensuring that kids benefit from our wisdom, experience, and values - while still allowing kids to explore and pursue their own preferences, believes, values, goals, and direction?  

It turns out that parental influence is primarily exerted through expectations.  And collaboration is especially crucial when kids are having difficulty meeting our expectations. As I describe in my book, Raising Human Beings, collaborating on handling an unmet expectation basically involves three steps. The first step involves gathering information from a child about his or her concern, perspective, or point of view on a given problem or unmet expectation. The second step involves helping the child listen to really hear your perspective. The third step involves coming up with a solution that addresses the concerns of both parties.  

The challenge is to come up with a solution that will not only address one's own concerns but also address the concerns of the other party. It's very different than simply imposing a solution and forcing a kid, by one means or another, to comply.  It's not about power or arm-twisting.  It's not carrots and sticks.  It's not "I'm right and you're wrong." It's a different form of authority.  It ensures that voices are heard and concerns addressed.  It fosters empathy, honesty, communication, and trust. It's respectful.  It helps kids and adults come up with solutions that are more durable and effective. It fosters qualities on the more positive side of human nature.  And it helps prepare kids for what really lies ahead in The Real World.

Author Bio: Dr. Ross W. Greene is the author of Raising Human Beings, Lost and Found, Lost at School, and The Explosive Child. Dr. Greene was on the faculty at Harvard Medical School for over twenty years, and is now founding director of the nonprofit organization Lives in the Balance, which provides a vast array of free, web-based resources on the model of care-now called Collaborative & Proactive Solutions-described in his books. Dr. Greene's research has been funded by the US Department of Education, the National Institute on Drug Abuse, the Stanley Medical Research Institute, and the Maine Juvenile Justice Advisory Group. He speaks widely throughout the world, and lives in Portland, Maine. For more information please visit here or follow the author on Facebook or Twitter