The Holidays and Co-Parenting: How to Navigate According to Mental Health Experts

Co-parenting over the Holidays Holidays and Co-Parenting Celebrating together or separately? Children from Divorced Parents Children from Separated Parents Holiday for Children of Divorced Parents Holidays of Broken Families Co-Parent's Toxic Behaviors

By Jo Anne Hubert , Parent Herald Nov 02, 10:19 am

The Holiday season is coming and families are excited to get together and celebrate the festivities. However, for separated and divorced parents, this joyful season can sometimes be stressful.

The pressure to channel the spirit of family celebration and togetherness can be particularly hard with co-parenting and the struggle in scheduling where the kids should go on Christmas and New Year.

But there's good news.

Family counseling experts have gathered solid advice for separated and divorced parents to make the navigation of holidays while co-parenting bearable and even enjoyable and memorable with the kids.

Celebrate together or separately?

Co-parents need to decide early on between celebrating together or celebrating separately.

It will be healthy for the children if expectations are set and the kids are given enough time to process and understand the schedule and what is going to happen during the holiday.

Also, parents need to hear their children's voices and opinions about what they want to do over the holidays and where they want to go. Let their voices and opinions matter, giving the message that they are prioritized and loved despite what happened to the family.

Celebrating together can be tricky, after all there was separation or divorce for a reason. However, under the right circumstances and right position of the heart, celebrating the holiday together as a family can be a very nice thing.

According to Kelman, before saying yes to together time over the holidays, it is crucial for co-parents to consider children's age and where they stand in accepting and welcoming their parent's situation .

"If the kids are young or hold out hope that (the parents) will reunite, then it isn't a good time to celebrate together. On the other hand, if the kids are aware that both parents have moved on, may even have new partners and all parties get along well, a holiday together could provide a very loving and warm environment for all," suggested Kelman.

How to handle co-parent's toxic behavior over the holidays

The other party might know exactly what not to do. However, one cannot have control over how the other co-parent acts. Thus, it is best to try and set healthy boundaries and present groundwork for good conduct.

Dr. Kibby McMahon recommends 3 strategies to start the holiday season on the right foot and handle toxic behaviors when it arises.

1. Separately identify concrete requests or goals

Before collaborating with each other over the holiday plans, co-parents should ensure that they have independently identified a goal and any requests they have to make them easier to achieve. If both start discussing their co-parenting plans with concrete requests each on hand, there will be no squabbling over minute details.

For sure, both parties will agree that the goal is to make the holiday celebration still a memorable and positive one for the kids. With that goal in mind, figure out what that looks like to each of the parties and then discuss, plan, and adjust based on what each has.

2. Deflect and ignore toxic behavior

Here's a warning, negotiations between co-parents can quickly go amiss, especially when one or both parties still feel defensive, and "trigger-happy."

McMahon advises that if a co-parent tries to "attack" with toxic behaviors, the other one should try to calm down, briefly acknowledge what they are saying, and as much as possible keep the discussion focused on the goal. Further, be aware that this can happen repeatedly in the whole conversation until both get to an agreement.

3. Take a break when needed

If the air becomes hot and the conversation heated, take a break from the planning, and make sure that the break is "collaborative, respectful and explicit." Remind each other that what is being done is nor for one's own sake but for the kids. Offer to take a day to cool off and suggest that planning and conversation be revisited the next day when both are calmed and have done some re-thinking.

At the end of the day, co-parenting during the holidays really is not that different from co-parenting at any other time of year. It's just that stress and expectations seem to multiply. Co-parents should prepare themselves for this reality, and let the children's joy be the ultimate goal.