It Is Possible to 'Un-Spoil' Your Kids, Parenting Experts Say

If parents want to stop their kids' entitled behavior, they need to change their parenting approach.

Traci Baxley, parenting coach and author of the book "Social Justice Parenting," stated that parents and caregivers rarely intend to raise a spoiled child. However, they can end up indulging their kids for a number of reasons, and entitlement sets in. Thus, in her kind of work, she focuses more on the parents' habits and approach and less on the behavior of the kid.

"Parents show up using the limited tools they were taught, or attempt to overcompensate for lack in their own childhood. Parents are humans first, with lived experiences and possible traumas from the past that show up as fear, protection, and misguided, but well-intended, love," Baxley explained.

But here's an important thing to clear up — spoiling a kid has nothing to do with "over-loving" them, declared the co-founder of the Mount Sinai Parenting Center and host of the Raising Good Humans podcast, Aliza Pressman.

She stressed that there is never a limit to how much a parent has and shows for his/her children. The depth and weight of a parent's love does not contribute to a child's sense of entitlement.

Entitled and not spoiled

However, if a parent's way of expressing love to the kids is fulfilling all of their wishes and wants without teaching them control and boundaries, and showing them they are capable to do and work towards things themselves, then children will grow up more likely to be entitled, as per parenting coach and founder of Positive Parenting Solutions, Amy McCready.

She describes entitled kids as those who believe that they are the "center of the universe," and thus, rules don't apply to them. They usually always get their way and what they want, yet fail to show gratitude.

Some parenting experts don't like to use the word "spoiled" to describe a child because it somehow is associated with the word "ruined," and spoiled kids are not ruined kids. They prefer to use the word "entitled," focusing on labeling the negative behavior and not the kid's character.

McCready emphasizes how crucial for parents to distinguish whether their child is just having a rough day or is already consistently exhibiting entitled behaviors. Parents need to be aware that all children have their "off" days, like adults do, when everything is not going well and they just need to act up on that day.

Read Also: How Not to Raise Spoiled Children; Teaching Kids to Handle Disappointment and Responsibility

How do we un-spoil our kids?

No child is born "spoiled" or "entitled."

According to Baxley, this is a "learned behavior," which offers parents the good news that they can "un-spoil" their children by modifying their parenting styles, and as a result, helping them change their behavior.

1. Do self-reflection.

Parents should take time to think about why they are doing this particular parenting approach. They should ask themselves questions like "Why do I need to over-purchase for my child," or "Why is it so hard for me to say no?" Check if there is a connection with the past and the current parenting practices, and be intentional to take small steps to make changes.

2. Encourage autonomy.

Do not do for the kids what they can already do for themselves. Guide and encourage them to do what they almost can do, and teach and model the things that they do not know how to do yet, Pressman suggested.

3. Consistently set and enforce boundaries.

No matter how frustrating, exhausting or distressing it is to set boundaries and say no to the kids, parents need to be firm, being aware that children not only need, but want consistent boundaries. During their breakdowns or "lack of emotional regulation," parents need to acknowledge their feelings instead of "rewarding" the temper or the negative behavior, or giving them what they want just so they stop with their tantrums.

4. Give children responsibilities at home.

And, use the "when-then routine" for a start. When they finish what they are tasked to do, then that can only be the time that they get to do what they want to do or get what they ask for.

5. Ditch the reward for every task.

Do not allow the children to think that they will be rewarded for every time they finish their task, because in the real world, as McCready emphasized, rewards for basic tasks are "few or non-existent." Nurture the children with long-time motivation.

6. Don't rescue kids from their mistakes or setbacks.

Instead, let their mistakes and setbacks be learning opportunities.

7. Embrace the fact that children will be upset with their parents.

Children getting upset with their parents is inevitable. They may even say words that will hurt like they don't like or need their parents, but as Baxley said, parenting will never be about being popular or well-liked all the time. Give the kids space to express their feelings and frustrations without parents giving in to what they want at all times. Stay consistent with the family's established values.

8. Allow children to be part of a team or a community.

Entitled kids struggle to think about the needs of other people. Thus, let them participate in community volunteer work, or let them be a part of a sports team so they can learn about teamwork, service for others, and the importance of having relationships with other people.

9. Refrain from shaming the kids.

Shaming the kids would never help them from getting unspoiled, Pressman reminds parents. Yelling at them that they are spoiled will never solve the problem, and making them feel ashamed over their entitled behavior will never be productive for both parties. Parents need to keep in mind that the negative behavior is the problem and not the child. Solve the problem without losing the love.

Related Article: Psychologist Shares Her Way of Indulging Children without Spoiling Them